Is there anything worse than spam? Be it the culinary version, or the kind that has been assaulting EP, few things are more loathsome than spam. On that note, our comment feature has been modified for the time being. It seems our spam filter is having problems because insurance, cialis, and whatever other crap the moronic spammers are into these days have been getting through. Until we get this figured out, all comments go to us for approval. I want to reiterate to all EP readers, we do not believe in censorship. We will approve every legitimate comment that goes through. If you doubt this, check out comments on our posts. We have been verbally assaulted on more occasions than I can remember. And not just from the Guy Fieri mafia. Hopefully this minor inconvenience will be rectified soon. If I felt eating Spam and eggs would help, I would do it. On that note, is there a reader out there that actually likes Spam? If you do, please share. If something seems appetizing I’ll give it a shot…now to the random musings.
I can’t think of a better culinary topic on the Fourth of July than corn on the cob. On the grill or in the oven (I refuse to boil corn on the cob) has to be the way to go. Not too long ago, I started cooking or grilling it while still in the husk. For me, there is no other way. The husk keeps the moisture in and steams the corn. It is perfect every time. 30 minutes in a 375° oven, give it a few minutes to cool and dig in.
When did putting grapes in chicken salad become commonplace and why is this still tolerated?
Chicken salad with grapes, served in a glass on a bed of lettuce. Wrong on so many levels.
Speaking of salad, potato salad can really surprise you sometimes. I was at a BBQ last weekend and the host, who used to cook at the now defunct Cottage Inn Café on Washtenaw Avenue (moment of silence, please) made a potato salad that had capers in it, and it was quite good. Normally I have no use for capers. I’ve got to get his recipe; beyond chicken piccata I had no idea capers could be delicious.
I broke down and bought a gas grill last year. I know, grilling enthusiasts, charcoal is the way to go, but the simplicity of gas has proven valuable. I grill far more often with the gas grill than I did on my Weber. But today I ran out of propane before my burgers were finished. I cried out “NOOOOOOOOOO” to the heavens. Score another point for charcoal.
Fourth of July food discussion can’t be complete without mentioning beer. I tried Michelob’s Hop Hound at a party this weekend, as it was either that or Bud Light. Review to come sometime later this week…
Why is Poochie the rockin' dog on this beer bottle? Tune in later this week to find out!
As long as we are talking about beer, I love a good Hefeweizen but if I can taste banana in my beer I am going to switch to something else. Unless it is Bud Light Golden Wheat.
Did anyone else see this picture of Cookie Monster with the hot Russian spy chick?
Cookie Monster with hot redhead Russian spy. Seems like our old friend is doing pretty well for himself since retiring.
Looks like CM has been living an interesting life since he retired. Perhaps he’ll send us another letter someday…
And even though John hates soccer, one World Cup comment. If Netherlands wins the World Cup, the greatest party in history will be in Amsterdam. I would do unspeakable things to be there on that night.
Dan from The Food in my Beard and Foodie Fights asked me to be a guest judge on Foodie Fights this week and I gladly accepted. The battle ingredients turned out to be sesame and tropical fruit, so it was a little challenging for me. I got the job done though. The battle is over, but you can still check out the dishes and results.
The Hamburglar. Part corporate invention, part hard core thief, this Prometheus of the picnic has been an enigma since he first burst onto the scene with McDonald’s. His hamburger thievery is the stuff of legends, something we will not see the likes of again. He brazenly stole a hamburger from the Yakuza. He pilfered a patty from the Pope. He even stole a burger from a kid in Reno, “just to watch him cry.” The self-proclaimed “Bad Boy of Beef” was at the top of the food chain, as it were, in the 80s, and his cocaine-fueled binges of burglary have come to symbolize Reagan-era material excess. After his break from McDonald’s, Hamburglar sadly went afoul of the law once too often, and was sentenced to seven years in San Quentin for stealing a hamburger out of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Humvee. He granted EP a rare interview request, and I caught up with him last month.
Hamburglar love from the fans
EP: How did you get started in the business of stealing hamburgers?
Hamburglar: I wish I had some great reason why, but it just kind of happened. I was 13 years old, pretending to be Zorro and was wearing this mask. Well, I forgot to take it off when I went to McDonald’s for lunch and the lady at the counter thought I was robbing her. She just gave me five Quarter Pounder’s. After that I was hooked.
EP: Didn’t you ever get caught?
Hamburglar: Yeah, but mostly people thought it was funny and ‘cause I was a kid they let me off easy.
EP: When did you begin your formal association with McDonald’s?
Hamburglar: I was 16 years old and snuck into a local McD’s and swiped two Big Macs. I got violently ill and had to go to the hospital, presumably from food poisoning. Some lawyer from McDonald’s told me if I didn’t sue they would sign me to a contract and employ me with some other characters. And so, it began. Joke was on them; I later realized I got sick from huffing rubber cement, but was so f’d up I didn’t remember.
EP: What was it like working with the other characters?
Hamburglar: At first we were tight. Grimace was hilarious, after a day of shooting commercials and we would head straight to the nearest nightclub. He’d order Hennessey and yell “Big Poppa is in the house!!!!!” whenever we arrived. After a couple years of doing this, Notorious B.I.G. came out with the song, “Big Poppa.” Grimace loved it. Said he got laid more after that song came out than all the years before combined. He made McDonald’s give Biggie free Big Macs whenever he wanted. They were even working on a project together before Biggie’s tragic death. Ronald McDonald was another story. We all hated him and called him Ronald McDouchebag. Also, the mother fucker was a vegetarian, which is one of McDonald’s great secrets. We’d all be eating Quarter-Pounders and fries and there he would be, sitting in a corner eating tofu wrapped in lettuce. Also, between takes he’d sit around smoking weed and saying shit like, “I wonder if the girl from Wendy’s is real. I dig redheads.” We once saw him staring into a mirror for 30 minutes, he kept saying, “Dude, I look like a clown.”
EP: How rampant was the drug use?
Hamburglar: It was wild, man. We never let it affect our work, though. When the cameras were on, we were all business.
EP: When did you break from McDonalds?
Hamburglar: It was about 10 years ago. Turns out some corporate jackass decided it was a bad idea to encourage hamburger thievery. So they came up with this brilliant idea to make me a vegetarian and use that to market their new McVegetarian Crap Burger. I told them to fuck themselves and left. I do miss having their lawyers cover for me. (laughs)
EP: And after you left McDonald’s you kept on stealing.
Hamburglar: Of course. By then it was in my blood. My new goal was to steal a burger from every decent burger joint in these here United States. I did pretty well with it, even went into action in Japan when I stole a Kobe beef burger in Kyoto. Turns out it was from a big time Yakuza boss. I was lucky as hell to get out of Japan alive.
EP: Tell me about your biggest hamburger heist.
Hamburglar: That has to be the 2003 raid of the In and Out Burger in LA near Magic Mountain. It all started when George Clooney, Bernie Mac, Matt Damon and I were jonesin’ for In and Out Burger at 3 AM. Of course they were closed, but we drew up this crazy-ass plan to disable the alarm system and break in. It was easy, man, we cooked up and chowed down 20 burgers between the four of us. We barely got out in time, and the best part of the story is that the whole thing got pinned on Mel Gibson.
EP: Didn’t you steal a burger from Bobby Flay once?
Hamburglar: (Laughs) Hell yes I did! Ivanka Trump and I were eating at this pretentious $14 burger joint with cloth napkins in New York, when I hear this obnoxious jackass (Flay) preening about how the chipotle mayo they used on his burger sucked and that his was soooooo much better. Well, I thought to myself, if you don’t like the burger then I’m going to steal it from you, dickwad. So I ditched Ivanka, who hates me now, snuck over to his table, snatched the burger and took off faster than Usain Bolt. The worst part was that once I was safely out of range, I noticed that he (Flay) had taken a couple of bites out of the burger and it grossed me out. I gave it to some homeless guy.
EP: Did he like the chipotle mayo?
Hamburglar: He did. He said it was a “revelation.”
EP: Have you ever tried to steal someone’s hamburger while you’ve been in prison?
Hamburglar: No way. Someone’s liable to stick you for that. Besides, the crap they serve in here isn’t worth stealing.
EP: What happens when you get out, will you be able to refrain from stealing hamburgers?
Hamburglar: Sure. I’m past those days now, not worth ending up back in the joint. When I get out, I’m supposed to be in a reality show called “Steal my Heart” where 15 women vie for my affection. Ryan Seacrest set the whole thing up, mostly to keep me silent because I know what his one sick fetish is. It was either that or host a game show, which is pretty freaking stupid if you ask me. Besides, if Snoop Dogg can quit smoking weed, I can surely quit stealing hamburgers.
Follow Ryan to the LA aquarium
I left him at the prison after a few more minutes of conversation. I didn’t have the heart to tell him Snoop was smoking weed again. As I watched him led back to his cell, I couldn’t help but feel we as society had discarded him after he outlived his usefulness, as much a victim of corporate malfeasance and globalization as an itinerant farmer in Zambia. I stopped at In and Out Burger on the way home and realized that none of us are made of stone. It could have been any one of us who turned into a hamburger plundering criminal. I hope he gets out without getting a shank in the kidney. I hope his reality show is a success, and that none of us EVER find out what Ryan Seacrest’s one sick fetish is, I hope he can see his friends again. I hope…
