Epic Portions

Tag: random

  • Campbell’s Needs My Help

    It’s a tough world out there these days with our recent economic problems and even producers of soup are feeling the heat.  Campbell’s Soup Company recently decided to begin a campaign asking people for help.  Don’t take it from me, the CEO posted a letter on-line:

    “Dear Friend of Campbell,

    Campbell Soup Company has a passion for innovation. We continually seek to improve the quality, convenience, and value of our products. We are always interested in ideas for new products, packaging, marketing, and production technologies that will help us meet the needs of our consumers and customers better, faster and more completely.

    At Campbell, we recognize that valuable ideas for innovation may come to us from many sources, both inside and outside the Company. Consumers, customers, suppliers, contractors, inventors and friends often have suggestions that they would like to share with us, and we welcome their interest in doing so.

    We have created this Web site to provide a convenient method for people who are not employed by Campbell to submit ideas for innovation to us. If you have an idea that you think may interest us, we hope you will submit it for our consideration.

    Thank you for your interest – we look forward to hearing from you!

    Douglas R. Conant
    President and CEO”

    As a friend of Campbell’s Soup and someone who eats their soup all the time, I felt inclined to offer my assistance.  What am I supposed to eat if Campbell’s goes under?  Progresso?  You’ve got to be shitting me.   I went further and checked into Campbell’s current stock info.  While not terrible, it’s still not looking good.  Plus, it appears Progresso isn’t a publically traded company so I can get any information on them.  I’m in the dark here.

    Campbells Current Stock Information
    Campbell's Current Stock Information

    Campbell’s cry for help was enough for me.  I decided to submit the one idea that would keep Campbell’s soup afloat for good.  The one idea that will keep me eating Campbell’s and my future children eating Campbell’s.  Ladies and Gentlemen, here is my submission.

    “Dear Friend,

    I understand that times are tough right now.  Just last week I was forced to eat cereal rather than my usual eggs and bacon.  It was an unfortunate experience but it opened my eyes.

    This the part where I give to you the idea that will save Campbell’s Co.

    “Biscuits & Gravy Soup”.

    Yes, I agree that it is surprising that no one had thought of this before, but that’s not the issue here.  The issue is that you now have the product that will bring Campbell’s out of the red and into the green.  The best part?  All you have to do is mix fat with flour, and add pieces of biscuits.  Plus, it can be eaten for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  I would say it’s genius, but you and I already know this.

    I require no charge for this submission.  I will simply take pride in the fact that I contributed to me not having to eat Progresso soup.

    God Bless You,

    John Moors
    Eater of Soup”

    If you would like to offer an idea, you can visit http://www.campbellsoupcompany.com/ideas/.  I wouldn’t really bother because they will more than likely shut the site down after my idea is read, but you can humor yourself and submit something.

  • Follow Up: Vince

    Not exactly food related, but I did a post on Vince, the ShamWow and Slap Chop guy a few weeks ago and felt that I should update you on what he’s up to these days — punching prostitutes.

    ShamWow pitchman Vince Shlomi (i had his last name wrong, oops) was arrested last month on felony battery charges for allegedly punching a stripper, according to the Web site TheSmokingGun.com.

    Police reports obtained by the site claim that Shlomi met 26-year-old prostitute Lenea Harris at a Miami nightclub, and subsequently brought her back to his room at Setai Hotel. Shlomi allegedly paid Harris $1,000 for “straight sex.”

    That’s went things took a turn.

    Shlomi told police “that he kissed [Harris] when all of a sudden [Harris] bit his tongue and would not let go,” according to the report.

    Shlomi then punched Harris several times until she released his tongue, and then ran to the lobby to call police. Harris suffered several cuts and fractures to her face.

  • St. Patrick’s Day

    Not completely food related, but with St. Patrick’s day quickly approaching I had to do SOMETHING for the holiday.  I’m not a huge fan of traditional Irish cuisine, but maybe I’ll get something up here in the next few days.  Until then, here is the official Moorsfood St. Patrick’s post.  I just realized how unexciting that last sentence sounded, so I am going to make an extra effort to make this interesting.  You are getting my 100% here.  Just so you know.

    First of all

    You should know the history of St.Patrick’s day.  No, this isn’t just a day where you request the next day off work, drink green beer, attempt to do the worm(dance move), knock  table over, cut your face open, walk home, and rip the seat out of your toilet.  This day has tradition.  Read on and feel informed!

    • Most sources agree that St. Patrick’s actual name was Maewyn Succat. They also agree that Maewyn was kidnapped and sold into slavery at age 16 and, to help him endure his enslavement, he turned to God.
    • Six years after his captivity began, St. Patrick escaped from slavery to France, where he became a priest, and then the second Bishop to Ireland. He spent the next 30 years establishing schools, churches, and monasteries across the country. He brought Christianity widespread acceptance amongst the pagan indigenous peoples.
    • It is thought that St. Patrick used a shamrock as a metaphor for the Trinity (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit), showing how three individual units could be part of the same body. His parishioners began wearing shamrocks to his church services. Today, “the wearing of the green” on St. Patrick’s Day represents spring, shamrocks, and Ireland.
    • The date of St. Patrick’s death is still up for discussion. Some say that he died on March 17th, 461 AD. Another possibility is either March 8th or 9th – the days were added together to get March 17th. What is certain is that the holiday came to America in 1737, and was celebrated in Boston that year.

    Now that you are an expert, we can move on.

    Second Order of Business

    You need to be wearing some green.  Why?  I’m glad you asked, because I have even more information for you.

    • The colors of the Republic of Ireland are a tricolor of green, white, and orange. The orange supposedly represents the Protestant population, the green the Catholic, and the white the peace between them. (Let’s just leave Northern Ireland out of this.) Protestants don’t celebrate Saint’s days. So the wearing of green is a symbol of Saint Patrick’s day and then Ireland, the Emerald Isle, in general. The day as a holiday with parades, green beer etc. is more of an American tradition than Irish, and of course on St. Paddy’s day everyone is Irish.
    • For my more A.D.D. readers, if you don’t like getting pinched just wear green.

    Thirdly (I just made that word up) Update: After careful research, I did NOT make that word up.

    No matter what I said in the opening paragraph of this post you should make some Irish food to celebrate the holiday.  Don’t know how to make any Irish food?  I got your back!  It’s what I do!

    Musicalnesss.  Speaking of making up words..

    So while you’re wearing your green, you should probably make an effort to listen to some Irish music.  Put away the Fall Out Boy albums for a change.  It will only make you feel depressed!  Emotional thoughts are not allowed on St. Patrick’s day!

    Fourthly, Just a General Statement

    What did God do on the 7th Day? He went down the Irish Pub, stupid. There’s nothing as wonderful as an Irish pub – its air thick with camaraderie, folk music and the smell of Guinness. Get yourself to an Irish Pub by noon on the 17th, start on the Irish coffee, move onto the Guinness, try a few Murphy’s, refresh yourself with another Irish coffee and end with half a bottle of Jameson’s. Quite simply, anything could happen.

    Fifth…

    Dance a jig.  No, I don’t know what “Dance a jig” means, just do it.  Ok, moving on…

    Things you Shouldn’t Do and Should Thank John for Mentioning

    • Don’t order an Irish car bomb.  Think about it.  I know they’re delicious but lay off for just one day.
    • Don’t wear stupid shirts like “Kiss Me, I’m Irish”.  No one would ever wear that shit in Ireland, and you’re just straight tacky if you wear something like that.
    • Show up to work or class.  Your professor will understand, and if they don’t.. Say you have bird flu.
    • Search for a pot of gold.  That’s just stupid.

    Now that you are an expert on all things Saint Patrick, refer all of your friends to this blog, and tell them to donate all of their money to me.  That’s a joke, I’m a non-profit blogger and my only goal is to educate you.  Of course, you really want to give me money you can feel free.