Bacteria in Fountain Drinks. Shut Up.


Over the past few days, I keep running into this story about how scientists found bacteria in the some random soda fountains.  Actually, the exact headline is Scientists Say Half of All Soda Fountains Harbor Fecal Bacteria.  I really don’t feel like running you through the entire story, so if you haven’t heard about it yet, you can read over this article then report back to read my thoughts.  I will also supplement my thoughts with George Carlin’s, because well.. He’s the man.

George: Where did this sudden fear of germs come from in this country? Have you noticed this? The media constantly running stories about all the latest infections? Salmonella, E-coli, hanta virus, bird flu, and Americans will panic easily so everybody’s running around scrubbing this and spraying that and overcooking their food and repeatedly washing their hands, trying to avoid all contact with germs. It’s ridiculous and it goes to ridiculous lengths.

Let me start by pointing out that if you pretty much swab any surface, and then place that inside an incubator, you will get colonies of bacteria growing.  There is absolutely not way you can avoid bacteria in your daily life.  You can wash your hands all you want and use your antibacterial soap every five minutes, but at the end of the day you’re going to touch at least 100 things that contain a germ or bacteria.  Unless you’re locked in your house with some sort of insane filtration system, you’re going to get a germ or two on you.  I’ve always lived by the notion that bacteria and germs are good for you. They strengthen your immune system and help you fight off the really, really bad bugs. If you try to live in a sterile environment, you’re just going to succumb to every little bug out there.  Fecal cells exist just about everywhere you possibly go. If you touch anything at all, you most likely have them on your hands, which you then stick into your mouth to bite your nails. Obviously, this hasn’t hurt us yet. We’re becoming far too obsessed with germs in this society. We have an immune system for a reason and if you don’t expose it to everyday levels of pathogen, it loses effectiveness, and then you’re really screwed when a real disease comes along.  There’s a reason your stomach is filled with hydrochloric acid at a pH of 1. Don’t give yourself a soda enema and you’ll be OK.

I encourage you to read about gastric acid, and learn what an amazing thing it is.

George: In prisons, before they give you lethal injection, they swab your arm with ALCOHOL. Wouldn’t want some guy to go to hell AND be sick.Fear of germs, why these fuckin’ pussies. You can’t even get a decent hamburger anymore they cook the shit out of everything now ’cause everyone’s afraid of FOOD POISONING! Hey, wheres you sense of adventure? Take a fuckin’ chance will you? Hey you know how many people die of food poisoning in this country? Nine thousand, thats all, its a minor risk.

Eat healthy. Live healthy. Get some exercise. Practice moderation with everything, but don’t trick yourself into believing that one common substance in food/beverages is some kind of poison that is bound to kill your eventually. The body in its natural state is much stronger than that. Treat it right within reason and you will be just fine.

George: Let me tell you a true story about immunization ok. When I was a little boy in New York city in the nineteen-forties, we swam in the Hudson river. And it was filled with raw sewage! OK? We swam in raw sewage, you know, to cool off. And at that time the big fear was polio. Thousands of kids died from polio every year. But you know something? In my neighborhood no one ever got polio. No one! EVER! You know why? Cause WE SWAM IN RAW SEWAGE! It strengthened our immune system, the polio never had a prayer. We were tempered in raw shit!

And if you really think you’re germ free by washing your hands every five minutes, watch Mythbusters.  They successfully proved that half of everything contains fecal matter.  Including your tooth brush.

George: So, when my white blood cells are on patrol reconnoitering my blood stream seeking out strangers and other undesirables, and if they see any, ANY, suspicious looking germs of any kind, THEY DON’T. FUCK. AROUND. They whip out the weapons, they wax the motherfucker and deposit the unlucky fellow directly into my colon! Into my colon. There’s no nonsense! There’s no miranda warning, there’s none of that three strikes and your out bullshit. First defense, BAM! Into the colon you go!

Thanks George.  We miss you.