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Varta Strikes Back

After seeing John’s suicide sandwich I found out I have a competitive side which I never knew I had. Gears started turning in my head to come up with the most cholesterol laden, fatty sandwich I could come up with. I’ve always wanted to make the grilled cheese sandwich burger before and that’s pretty heavy, so I figured that was the perfect place to start. Bacon just feels natural to me, so of course that was going to be worked in. And more cheese, I love cheese. Normally I wouldn’t advocate the use of the plastic cheese, but it flows with the overall scheme. Still, something was missing. Then I remembered when I made the sausage stuffed french toast and someone suggested sausage gravy, I had never made sausage gravy before so I thought it’d be fun to give it a try. Super easy! Concerns me actually, if I can whip up sausage gravy in a few minutes now, what’s going to stop me from putting on everything. I digress. I’ll let the pictures do the talking from here…

Sometimes, there is planning involved

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July 17, 2009
Three 6 Mafia Cooking Show

Yes, apparently the Triple 6 Mafia is shopping a pilot cooking show to major networks called Cookin’ Ain’t Easy. If you watched Adventures in Hollyhood on MTV, which you probably didn’t, you would know that The Juice Man Gigalo and DJ Paul(the king of Memphis) can cook up some food. I, for one, will be pretty excited if this deal actually goes through. I’ve been a fan of Triple 6 for many years and Adventures in Hollyhood was a hilarious show that was under appreciated.

From allheadlinenews.com:

Rappers Three 6 Mafia are teaming up with reality producer Adam Briles for a new cooking show. DJ Paul and Juicy J of Three 6 Mafia will be bringing friends, fans and celebrity guests to the show filmed in their Hollywood mansion.

The new series “Cookin’ Ain’t Easy!” will have the two cooking everything from Indian, Italian, Asian, and Middle-Eastern to different types of food found across the world. There are sure to be some good laughs as the dinner parties and cooking tutorials combine with funny guests, cocktails and brutally honest critiques.

“It is a completely fresh approach to a cooking show,” said Briles in a press release. “You get much of the same take-away information that viewers expect from the genre, but it is served up in such a unique, relatable and funny way that it is just flat out entertaining.

And from the Juice Man:

“We’re not just cooking soul food like people might expect,” explained Juicy J. “We’re cooking Indian food, Italian, Asian, Middle Eastern food – all different inds of foods that people wouldn’t think we could cook. It’s a comedy, it’s funny and we love bringing people together for it.”

July 15, 2009
The Suicide Attempt

Last night I decided to be smart(an idiot) and try to make something healthy(fattening) for dinner. I decided the best way to go about this was to whip a sandwich with some lettuce(BBQ chicken), tomatoes(bacon), turkey(mac & cheese) and low fat mayo(hot sauce). The result was one of the most delicious concoctions ever put on top of bread. After finishing consumption of the sandwich, I felt like I could run a mile(sleep), and in no way did I have the fat man sweats. I felt like healthy eating was going to be a large part of my future eating habits.

Feast your eyes on the masterpiece that I like to call…

The Healthwich(The Suicide Attempt).

First off, I cooked up some bacon. For this sandwich, I decided pepper bacon was the only appropriate option. I needed spice and this was going to add to it. Acid reflux be damned. What’s a little heart burn between friends. That doesn’t make any sense.

Next step, I threw in a chicken breast or four with the bacon fat. This was a very important step in the process. The chicken had been marinating in a mixture of cayenne, cumin, cilantro and chili powder. I also tossed in a little more hot sauce to the marinade, because what’s a little acid reflux between friends? Why do I keep saying that?

Next up I decided BBQ was the logical next step. I had a jar of Bone Suckin’ Sauce(quite possibly the best BBQ sauce that I have access to), so in that went. Oops! Did some of the BBQ sauce mix in with the bacon fat? Stephanie is going to be pissed. One of those chicken breasts were hers.

A toasted hoagie roll was toasted in my new oven(did I mention it’s gas?) In went two of the breasts sliced up into strips. The Suicide Attempt was beginning to take form.

On goes the bacon. Now that I look at the pictures, It kinda looks as though it’s not completely cooked. I assure you that this bacon was cooked all the way through. I may be an amateur cook, but I’m no amateur. I’m not making much sense tonight. It must be the mojitos. It’s like Miami Vice over here.

For this sandwich, I decided the only mac & cheese for my sandwich was Velveeta. None of that real stuff, I needed the processed stuff. Like I said before, no fat man sweats here.

The first bite? Heaven. It was seriously as though Jesus came back, made me a sandwich, built me a table to eat it on, added some hot sauce on top, hand fed it to me, then fed me wine to wash it down. Oh, and I believe he wiped my face after too. Thanks Jesus.

When I said wine, I meant I washed it down with milk in glass shaped like a boot. Why not? If this is going to be my last meal, I’m going to drink some milk out of a boot.

I have no words for the next picture, only that I had the fat man sweats. I know I have denied it previously in this post, but my perspiration levels were that of a man that weighed 400 pounds. I’m like Jennifer Garner in 13 going on 30 except I am 220 lbs. going on 500 lbs. Slightly fat on the outside, completely fat on the inside. I need to get this under control.

July 14, 2009