This week should have been a typical week. Take my son to kindergarten. Play with my daughter. Make dinner for family. Wrap dead fish in newspaper and mail to Food Network.
Wait, ok, that last part is somewhat atypical. While, like most people, I do mail the occasional dead fish to someone who has grieved me in some way, this would mark only the second time I have sent one to the Food Network. I really don’t want to get into the first time, as there was some, shall we say, unpleasantness. Let me just tell you that if you are going to send a dead fish to Sandra Lee, do not include your return address. Amateur mistake.
It wasn't me Sandra, I swear. It was Rahm Emmanuel!
You see, every afternoon at 3:30 after I pick my son up from school, I like to turn on FN just to see what Tyler Florence is making. Sometimes I turn it right off, but every now and then he has a great menu on his show, Tyler’s Ultimate. One nice thing about FN (and believe me, other than Alton Brown, there probably is only one other nice thing) is that it is age appropriate programming. The only time FN is inappropriate is for 12-14 year old males during Everyday Italian.
So what did our clueless amigos at FN do? They moved him to 11am (dead zone time) to occupy Michael Chiarello’s old time slot. As a side note, I always liked Easy Entertaining, it was like spending part of the morning in Napa, and Mike is a pretty damn good chef.
You'd be this happy too if you lived in Napa, had a basket of wine and were leaving Food Network
I know what you are saying. Hardly reason to send a dead fish, right. True. Read on…
Guess who is on at 3:30 now? I won’t keep you in suspense, it is Anne Burrell. You are either saying who the fuck is that, or throwing up in your mouth. Who likes her? Anyone? Perhaps there is an Anne Burrell fan club out there ready to attack me like the Guy Fieri mafia. I doubt it. Her show, Secrets of a Restaurant Chef is, to put it simply, awful. I know Tyler Florence isn’t exactly Mr. Excitement but at least he was watchable.
It gets better. What genius thought it was a good idea to put Anne on right after Guy’s Big Bite? Not only are you cramming two of the worst personalities FN has to offer into the same hour, but are you oblivious to the fact that they look almost exactly alike? I expect there will be a lot of confused soccer moms. I’m tired of FN propping up utterly loathsome personalities. From Guy Fieri, to Anne Burrell, to Alex Guarnaschelli, it just keeps getting worse and worse.
Anne BurrellGuy Fieri, sans glasses
As it stands now, aside from EPIE research, my FN viewing is down to Good Eats and sometimes Chopped. The day Alton Brown leaves will be the end of the line for me and Food Network.
So…they get a dead fish. Oh yeah, and also because the show The Best Thing I Ever Ate is self-indulgent garbage.
The best part of this story is that I threw in a bottle of ancho chili powder along with the fish, hoping to entice Bobby Flay to be a big show off and try to cook it. Joke is on him, I let that thing sit in the sun for three days; it has more bacteria in it than all of Tiger Woods’ mistresses combined.
Come to think of it, I just thought of a helpful way to help El Tigre defeat his sex addiction problem. Carry a picture of Anne Burrell around with you at ALL TIMES. That’ll keep your driver in the bag.
(OK, that was really mean, even for me. If I ever meet Anne Burrell she has permission to punch me.)
The game show. The continued existence of this worthless type of television program is exhibit A for evolution deniers. And who can argue with them? There was a time when the latest offering from Euripides, Shakespeare, or even Kubrick was there for medication of the masses. Now, it only takes a quick perusal of network tv to find some worthless piece of dreck that kills more brain cells in an hour than a weekend in Amsterdam.
Why write about game shows on a food website? Perceptive question. Please indulge me as to how we have arrived at this unfortunate place. Last week, between watching the inspiring visage of Lindsey Vonn and the glorious competition known as Curling, I caught one of NBC’s ridiculous new show promos. Was it Law and Order: Restaurant Health Inspector? A new sitcom about a mismatched pair of ex-cops (starring Don Johnson and Edward James Olmos) who open a pizzeria in Miami called Miami Slice? No, it was much worse, my friends. It was a game show called A Minute to Win it. Apparently people without lives are called on to engage in an act of stupidity for one minute so they can win money. What makes this so appalling? The host is none other than our old friend, Guy Fieri.
We’ve had some fun with Guy here at EP. If you are a quasi-regular reader you probably know we don’t think very highly of Guy. In our opinion he is a buffoonish cartoon character. When he was nominated for an EPIE Award for worst male personality, there was a howl of indignation from a small but vocal minority. He didn’t win, thanks to the general asshattery of Bobby Flay, but poor Guy shouldn’t get too complacent, there is always next year.
What are you, Guy? Are you a chef or a clown? Was there a cooler version of you from 10 years ago, that if offered a time machine would travel into the future to kick your butt for even thinking about hosting a game show? I have to say that all signs point to you being a clown. And that is sad. I didn’t care when you did commercials for TGI Fridays. You want to make a little extra money before your 15 minutes expire, go for it, at least it was food related. I won’t judge you for that. But you can be damn sure that I will judge you for hosting a game show.
You see, Guy puts forth a certain image. He has a few tats, he has spikey hair, and he wears his sunglasses in an unorthodox manner. I suppose one could say that if he wears a clown suit, why is it wrong for him to behave like one? The answer is simple; there are chefs out there with spikey hair, tats and unorthodox sunglass wearing methods who aren’t clowns. They have style, they have flava. They deserve better than being compared to Guy the Game Show Host. Now, thanks to Guy Fieri they will be seen as not being serious chefs, fodder for poorly paid food bloggers to expose in overlong rants.
So again, why should we here at Epic Portions take Guy seriously if he doesn’t? Beneath his exterior, I’m sure Guy fancies himself a serious chef. Well guess what, by hosting a game show you no longer qualify as a serious chef, Guy. Enjoy taking a big bite out of the raw cassava that is celebrity, it will poison you long after your game show and triple D days are over.
To those who were upset with our EPIE nom for worst personality for Guy, I throw down the gauntlet to you. Defend this. Make yourself watch the game show (make it quick, it probably won’t last long) and defend him. I bet he throws out the same tired one-liners he has been saying since he started.
You are old and busted Guy, Adam Richman is the new hotness. Someday you will have to head back to your restaurant to regain respectability. But remember, your sous chef, line cooks, and dishwashers are laughing at you, not with you.
Now that H1:N1 has lost its mojo, many members of the media have set their formidable journalistic talents on finding the next great scare. What will it be? A new disease? Octogenarians driving out of control Toyotas? Sadly, it is something that hits close to home…food. The formerly respectable folks over at Time Magazine have released the 10 MOST DANGEROUS FOODS list. At any moment these edible assassins could sneak into your home, kick your dog and KILL YOU!!!!! Fortunately Epic Portions is here to defend food, even the horrific habitants of Time‘s list, many of which are delicious. Here is what Time claims will kill you, along with the uniquely insightful observations that only EP can provide.
10. Mushrooms
Thanks, Captain Obvious. Could you be a little more vague please, Time Magazine? Your journalism profs are rolling over in their graves. It’s not like the average person is picking the mushrooms in their backyard and scarfing them down while hoping for the best. If you don’t know that eating wild mushrooms is potentially hazardous than your presence in the human gene pool is no longer required. In the mean time, your friendly neighborhood grocer has a full supply of perfectly safe fungal goodness ready for addition to omelets or pizzas.
9. Coffee
Really, Time? Are you this desperate for dangerous food? Not to reveal the rest of the list too early, but since Chicken McNuggets is not on the list, ARE YOU REALLY TRYING TO SAY COFFEE IS MORE DANGEROUS THAN CHICKEN MCNUGGETS YOU FUCKING MORONS?!?!?!?!? If you read Time’s article, the rationale they give is the incident where the 79 year old woman failed to realize she had a cup holder, put her McCoffee in her lap and promptly burned the shit out of herself, then sued McDonalds for serving hot coffee. Time serves up a Venti sized pile of nonsense with this addition.
8. Cassava
Raw cassava looks delicious!
Watch out world, better empty your pantry of cassava. Oh right, most of you probably have no idea what cassava is. Not trusting Time, I checked Wikipedia on this one. Apparently Cassava is an edible starchy tuberous root (sounds delicious!). The flour from the roots is used to make tapioca, something we’ve all heard of and don’t care about. Cassava is only dangerous when consumed raw. So, if you were considering heading out to the wild, pulling a starchy tuberous root out of the ground and consuming it raw, please send Time a note of thanks for saving your life.
7. Tuna
Hmmmm….Time tells me Tuna can kill me and Alton Brown says it is good for my health. Any guess at who I’m going to believe? We all know Tuna can contain mercury, but the Japanese eat a shitload of this fish and they are known for having a healthy diet. Tuna has the distinction of being able to be eaten raw with little potential health consequence, and the overwhelming potential of being delicious.
6. Rhubarb
We all knew Garrison Keillor was trying to kill us
Considering gnawing on raw rhubarb leaves? Of course you weren’t. No, you really weren’t considering rhubarb at all, unless coupled with strawberry and served in a pie. Delicious. So, much like cassava, if you take one thing away from this, do not venture into the wilderness and eat raw rhubarb leaves.
5. Leafy Greens
Way to be vague again, Time. After years of being told by our parents that we need to eat spinach, Time has come to rescue us. I would like to point out, again, that according to Time eating leafy greens is more dangerous than eating Chicken McNuggets. Time is referring to the outbreak a few years back, when some brilliant farmer decided it was a good idea to let his cows take a shit upstream from where they grew their spinach. Time also points out that the majority of illness from eating leafy greens comes from food handlers not practicing proper hygiene. No shit, that would pretty much apply to any food, wouldn’t it? In the mean time, order me up a ceasar salad, extra romaine please.
4. Peanuts
Jack booted peanut Nazi's are after YOU!
We all knew this was coming. Save us all from the peanut police. Before I get too nasty with peanut allergies, let me say I have true compassion for those allergic to peanuts. The inability to eat peanut butter is a gruesome curse to say the least. According to respected source Time magazine, 1% of the U.S. population suffers from peanut allergies. And most of them were in my son’s pre-school. A well known local movie theater chain had to stop popping popcorn in peanut oil due to mass peanut hysteria. The result, a significantly less delicious popcorn. For 1% of the population. Come get me peanut gestapo, I won’t allow you to ban peanuts from all public places. Meanwhile, for 99% of the U.S. population, PEANUTS ARE NOT MORE DANGEROUS THAN CHICKEN MCNUGGETS!!!
3. Ackee
Watch out for the wacky ackee in Jamaica!
Apparently ackee is the national fruit of Jamaica. This truly is dangerous, as I had several friends who went to Jamaica during college to partake in a national Jamaican delight. For those who are traveling to Jamaica to mellow out on any Jamaican specialties, let Epic Portions tell you that ackee contains black seeds that are dangerous to consume. Come to think of it, my friends kept saying they had to remove the seeds before partaking in their Jamaican delicacy of choice, maybe they knew about this in advance.
2. Fugu
Mmmmm…fan-fugu-tastic!
Thanks to the wacky adventures of Homer Simpson, I was well aware of the danger of Fugu, especially if the only chef qualified to prepare it is engaged in coital delights with Mrs. Krabappel in the backseat of a car (talk about dangerous activities!). If improperly prepared, fugu can be deadly, so it is fortunate that to legally prepare fugu (a Japanese delicacy) one must have two to three years of training. The Japanese consume 10,000 tons of fugu every year, with minimal incident. Sounds real deadly, huh?
1. Hot Dogs
No argument from me that a lot of hot dogs contain mystery parts and are not fit to be consumed by man or beast. But that is not why Time is saying they are deadly (if that were the case than they would HAVE to include Chicken McNuggets). No, Time tells us of the awesome choking power of the hot dog, especially to children. If you have kids and don’t know better than to cut the hot dog into bite size pieces before serving it to them, than I leave you with the wisdom of George Carlin. The late, great comic said: “Whatever happened to Darwin, survival of the fittest. The kid who swallows too many marbles doesn’t grow up to have kids of his own.” Or in this case, the parent who doesn’t cut up his kid’s hot dog properly regains their eligibility for a Darwin Award.
Whew, that was tiring and has left me famished. I think I’ll have a Tuna Dog with a spinach salad with wild mushrooms and cassava, with a peanut-rhubarb buckle for dessert. And yes please on the after dinner coffee.
