Epic Portions

Category: Rants

  • Ultra Low Calorie Beer – Stop.

    As someone who genuinely enjoys beer, it pains me when I hear about these ultra low calorie beers. It seems like every week Budweiser comes out with a new low calorie beer then the following week Miller or some other company comes out with a beer that has two fewer calories.  They always have some slick tag line like “Tastes Great, Never Filling” and make it out to be a huge deal that they are now producing the beer with the fewest amount of calories, even though the only way 10 calories is going to make a different is if you’re taking out 20 beers a night.  I can pretty much guarantee the people drinking 20 beers a night are drinking straight up Budweiser and these drinking sessions only occur on nights where the SPEED channel is re-playing NASCAR’s “Greatest Hits” or “Dale Sr. – A Tribute to the Greatest Human Being the Lord Ever Created”.

    I refuse to call any beer with under 100 calories beer.  They may call it low calorie beer, but I consider it to simply be high calorie water.  Seriously, is Bud Select 55 actually beer?  Do you think you could get pulled over while drinking one and explain to the officer that you are drinking a low calorie beer and it shouldn’t warrant an open intoxicant ticket?  Better yet, isn’t it a little stupid that people are paying full price for a beer that has half the ingredients and in return, half the alcohol?  Look at it this way, MGD 64 clocks in at a shameful 3.2% while ZIMA contains 4.8%.  Yes, you can get drunker on ZIMA than you can MGD 64.  After a long stressful day, does it make you feel better or worse to know that your “after work beer” is only working half as hard to help you relax?  If you could cut off a beer’s balls, MGD 64 and Bud Select 55 would be the result.

    The real question here, is why are companies producing beer for people who don’t like the taste of beer?  I would assume that if someone doesn’t like the taste of beer or wants to drink while keeping the calories low, they would stick to Diet Coke with Bacardi or a good ol’ gin and tonic.  If someone is simply drinking these because they like the taste of beer and not the belly that goes with it, I have to warn you that drinking 15 Bud Selects does NOT make you health conscious, just an alcoholic.  Oh, so you stick to light beer so you can suck down 300 percent more than if you were drinking regular beer at a fraction of the calories?  Congratulations, you’re now going to die of alcoholism or cirrhosis instead of heart failure.  But at least you’ll look like JWOW in the process.

    The people who are regular light beer and ultra low calorie beer customers are probably the same folks who order steak well done, send dishes back because they’re not cooked to their liking, watch the WNBA, and think that NFL quarterbacks need more protection.

    I would also like you to know that a pint of Guinness, one of the darkest and best beers in the world, contains 127 calories.

  • Won’t Somebody Pleeease Think of the Children!!!!!!

    Today I made a trip to one of my favorite Ann Arbor locations, Ahmo’s. I first laid eyes on Ahmo’s about eight years ago, and aside from the obnoxious guy behind the counter hitting on my wife it was a thoroughly enjoyable experience. Ahmo’s proudly states that they are “Home of the Chicken Gyro.” The truth is, they had me at chicken. Turn it into a gyro and you have a magical combination. Now, there may be better locations in the Ann Arbor area for Middle East fare (Jerusalem Garden and Ali Baba to name two), but Ahmo’s stands well on its own, and besides, they offer hoagies and subs so a direct comparison with the likes of Jerusalem Garden would be unfair. I was set to launch into a full blown review, but something at Ahmo’s caught my eye today, something I’ve been meaning to rant about for a while.

    The kids’ menu. Any parent who actually gives a damn what their kids eat must share my frustration. Never has more pedantic culinary puke been offered than what most restaurants provide for children. Ahmo’s, which serves the hallowed Chicken Gyro, along with traditional gyros, as well as falafel, delicious lentil soup and hummus, offers for kids the following: hot dog, chicken strips, and cheese sticks and fries. As difficult as it is to fathom, I have to assume there are parents who step up to order at Ahmo’s and say: “We’d like a Chicken Gyro, Falafel Pita, side of Tabouli salad, and Junior will have a hot dog and fries.” This is why I don’t wholly blame Ahmo’s for their kids’ menu. Sure, they need to try harder and offer a child size gyro or falafel, but I will not absolve American parents and their grotesque eating habits along with the inability to stimulate an interest in real food to their children. Ahmo’s is only doing what every other restaurant that offers chicken strips and corn dogs on their kids menu does. Clearly there is a market for this crap.

    In my previous life as a slave for the man, I had to deal with many oblivious parents. And I am well aquainted with the argument they would give: “But little Tyler and Madison don’t like that kind of food.” Well tough shit for Tyler and Madison. First of all, if you tried cooking a diverse selection of food at home for them, they probably would want to try a falafel. Second of all, did I miss the revolution where children took decision making power away from parents? Too many parents, whether it is about food or another issue, just don’t want to have the argument. I get it, I stay home with the kids and you definitely have to pick your battles. But food is about as important as it gets. Children shouldn’t become obese until they go off to college and gain 30 pounds by drinking a 12 pack of Natural Light and ordering Pizza House at 3am every night.

    I am well aware of the solution for the pathetic kids’ menu: Share your gyro or falafel with your kid. But I didn’t become a parent to have my children pilfering food off my plate. They are already sucking away all my time and energy, the least they can do is leave my gyro alone. So please, if you run a restaurant make an effort to diversify your kids menu. Don’t sell yourself short, if the Chicken Gyro is your specialty, than offer one for kids.

  • Bacteria in Fountain Drinks. Shut Up.

    Over the past few days, I keep running into this story about how scientists found bacteria in the some random soda fountains.  Actually, the exact headline is Scientists Say Half of All Soda Fountains Harbor Fecal Bacteria.  I really don’t feel like running you through the entire story, so if you haven’t heard about it yet, you can read over this article then report back to read my thoughts.  I will also supplement my thoughts with George Carlin’s, because well.. He’s the man.

    George: Where did this sudden fear of germs come from in this country? Have you noticed this? The media constantly running stories about all the latest infections? Salmonella, E-coli, hanta virus, bird flu, and Americans will panic easily so everybody’s running around scrubbing this and spraying that and overcooking their food and repeatedly washing their hands, trying to avoid all contact with germs. It’s ridiculous and it goes to ridiculous lengths.

    Let me start by pointing out that if you pretty much swab any surface, and then place that inside an incubator, you will get colonies of bacteria growing.  There is absolutely not way you can avoid bacteria in your daily life.  You can wash your hands all you want and use your antibacterial soap every five minutes, but at the end of the day you’re going to touch at least 100 things that contain a germ or bacteria.  Unless you’re locked in your house with some sort of insane filtration system, you’re going to get a germ or two on you.  I’ve always lived by the notion that bacteria and germs are good for you. They strengthen your immune system and help you fight off the really, really bad bugs. If you try to live in a sterile environment, you’re just going to succumb to every little bug out there.  Fecal cells exist just about everywhere you possibly go. If you touch anything at all, you most likely have them on your hands, which you then stick into your mouth to bite your nails. Obviously, this hasn’t hurt us yet. We’re becoming far too obsessed with germs in this society. We have an immune system for a reason and if you don’t expose it to everyday levels of pathogen, it loses effectiveness, and then you’re really screwed when a real disease comes along.  There’s a reason your stomach is filled with hydrochloric acid at a pH of 1. Don’t give yourself a soda enema and you’ll be OK.

    I encourage you to read about gastric acid, and learn what an amazing thing it is.

    George: In prisons, before they give you lethal injection, they swab your arm with ALCOHOL. Wouldn’t want some guy to go to hell AND be sick.Fear of germs, why these fuckin’ pussies. You can’t even get a decent hamburger anymore they cook the shit out of everything now ’cause everyone’s afraid of FOOD POISONING! Hey, wheres you sense of adventure? Take a fuckin’ chance will you? Hey you know how many people die of food poisoning in this country? Nine thousand, thats all, its a minor risk.

    Eat healthy. Live healthy. Get some exercise. Practice moderation with everything, but don’t trick yourself into believing that one common substance in food/beverages is some kind of poison that is bound to kill your eventually. The body in its natural state is much stronger than that. Treat it right within reason and you will be just fine.

    George: Let me tell you a true story about immunization ok. When I was a little boy in New York city in the nineteen-forties, we swam in the Hudson river. And it was filled with raw sewage! OK? We swam in raw sewage, you know, to cool off. And at that time the big fear was polio. Thousands of kids died from polio every year. But you know something? In my neighborhood no one ever got polio. No one! EVER! You know why? Cause WE SWAM IN RAW SEWAGE! It strengthened our immune system, the polio never had a prayer. We were tempered in raw shit!

    And if you really think you’re germ free by washing your hands every five minutes, watch Mythbusters.  They successfully proved that half of everything contains fecal matter.  Including your tooth brush.

    George: So, when my white blood cells are on patrol reconnoitering my blood stream seeking out strangers and other undesirables, and if they see any, ANY, suspicious looking germs of any kind, THEY DON’T. FUCK. AROUND. They whip out the weapons, they wax the motherfucker and deposit the unlucky fellow directly into my colon! Into my colon. There’s no nonsense! There’s no miranda warning, there’s none of that three strikes and your out bullshit. First defense, BAM! Into the colon you go!

    Thanks George.  We miss you.