Ever since I was about five years old, I would always see a stand at large social events selling a product called Dippin’ Dots. It was always advertised as the “Ice Cream of the Future!” They always made me curious when I was a little guy. Tiny Beads of Ice Cream? In assorted flavors and colors? Sounds awesome!
Let me just say, they never were and never will be awesome.
They are NOT the goddamn ice cream of the future. Give it up. Dippin’ Dots were started in 1988, which means it’s been openly available to the public for 21 years now. It’s not in testing phase or not completely ready to sell until the future is now. You can go to any sporting event, concert or carnival and purchase Dippin’ Dots for a completely unreasonable price. Wow, thanks. The smallest bowl possible filled with tiny beads of cheap ice cream for $4.99. Big Macs were available for sale in 1988. Do we consider those the burger of the future? NO.
Other things that happened in 1988 that aren’t considered (blank) of the future…
- Sonny Bono elected mayor of Palm Springs. Sonny Bono is NOT the politician of the future.
- Super Mario Brothers 3 was released. Super Mario Mario Brothers 3 is NOT the future of gaming.
- Ted Turner bought World Championship Wrestling (WCW), which was bought out by Vince McMahon and disbanded in 2001, making it NOT the future of wrestling.
- Brooke Hogan was born. I don’t even feel the need to explain.
This is taken directly off the Dippin’ Dots.com’s Frequently Asked Questions Page:
Why is Dippin’ Dots the Ice Cream of the Future?
Much like microwave ovens revolutionized the way we cook, Dippin’ Dots is revolutionizing the way we think of ice cream. Our high-tech cryogenic process is a highly advanced method of ice cream production, unique within the ice cream industry.
Are these people for real? Do they hear themselves? Dippin’ Dots has revolutionized the way we think of ice cream? Henry Ford revolutionized the automobile industry, broadband is revolutionizing telecommunications, the Catholic Church revolutionized pedophilia. But taking something that already exists, freezing it into tiny balls, and selling it, is not revolutionary, nor is it making it “of the future.”
Last I checked we had birthday cakes, then we had birthday ice cream cakes, and now we have birthday cookie cakes (which are delicious I might add) but we skipped right over birthday Dippin’ Dots cakes? Know why? Because it’s stupid, that’s why.
Last time I checked regular old ice cream is still around, and I don’t think Ben OR Jerry are shaking in their boots at the thought of Dippin’ Dots cornering the market. They should change the name to Dippin’ Dots: The Novelty Ice Cream of the ’90s.
