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Epic Portions — …I see food and I eat it. — Page 79

10 Most Dangerous Foods

Funny, Randoms, Rants

Now that H1:N1 has lost its mojo, many members of the media have set their formidable journalistic talents on finding the next great scare. What will it be? A new disease? Octogenarians driving out of control Toyotas? Sadly, it is something that hits close to home…food. The formerly respectable folks over at Time Magazine have released the 10 MOST DANGEROUS FOODS list. At any moment these edible assassins could sneak into your home, kick your dog and KILL YOU!!!!! Fortunately Epic Portions is here to defend food, even the horrific habitants of Time‘s list, many of which are delicious. Here is what Time claims will kill you, along with the uniquely insightful observations that only EP can provide.

10. Mushrooms

Thanks, Captain Obvious. Could you be a little more vague please, Time Magazine? Your journalism profs are rolling over in their graves. It’s not like the average person is picking the mushrooms in their backyard and scarfing them down while hoping for the best. If you don’t know that eating wild mushrooms is potentially hazardous than your presence in the human gene pool is no longer required. In the mean time, your friendly neighborhood grocer has a full supply of perfectly safe fungal goodness ready for addition to omelets or pizzas.

9. Coffee

Really, Time? Are you this desperate for dangerous food? Not to reveal the rest of the list too early, but since Chicken McNuggets is not on the list, ARE YOU REALLY TRYING TO SAY COFFEE IS MORE DANGEROUS THAN CHICKEN MCNUGGETS YOU FUCKING MORONS?!?!?!?!? If you read Time’s article, the rationale they give is the incident where the 79 year old woman failed to realize she had a cup holder, put her McCoffee in her lap and promptly burned the shit out of herself, then sued McDonalds for serving hot coffee. Time serves up a Venti sized pile of nonsense with this addition.

8. Cassava

Raw cassava looks delicious!

Watch out world, better empty your pantry of cassava. Oh right, most of you probably have no idea what cassava is. Not trusting Time, I checked Wikipedia on this one. Apparently Cassava is an edible starchy tuberous root (sounds delicious!). The flour from the roots is used to make tapioca, something we’ve all heard of and don’t care about. Cassava is only dangerous when consumed raw. So, if you were considering heading out to the wild, pulling a starchy tuberous root out of the ground and consuming it raw, please send Time a note of thanks for saving your life.

7. Tuna

Hmmmm….Time tells me Tuna can kill me and Alton Brown says it is good for my health. Any guess at who I’m going to believe? We all know Tuna can contain mercury, but the Japanese eat a shitload of this fish and they are known for having a healthy diet. Tuna has the distinction of being able to be eaten raw with little potential health consequence, and the overwhelming potential of being delicious.

6. Rhubarb

We all knew Garrison Keillor was trying to kill us

Considering gnawing on raw rhubarb leaves? Of course you weren’t. No, you really weren’t considering rhubarb at all, unless coupled with strawberry and served in a pie. Delicious. So, much like cassava, if you take one thing away from this, do not venture into the wilderness and eat raw rhubarb leaves.

5. Leafy Greens

Way to be vague again, Time. After years of being told by our parents that we need to eat spinach, Time has come to rescue us. I would like to point out, again, that according to Time eating leafy greens is more dangerous than eating Chicken McNuggets. Time is referring to the outbreak a few years back, when some brilliant farmer decided it was a good idea to let his cows take a shit upstream from where they grew their spinach. Time also points out that the majority of illness from eating leafy greens comes from food handlers not practicing proper hygiene. No shit, that would pretty much apply to any food, wouldn’t it? In the mean time, order me up a ceasar salad, extra romaine please.

4. Peanuts

Jack booted peanut Nazi's are after YOU!

We all knew this was coming. Save us all from the peanut police. Before I get too nasty with peanut allergies, let me say I have true compassion for those allergic to peanuts. The inability to eat peanut butter is a gruesome curse to say the least. According to respected source Time magazine, 1% of the U.S. population suffers from peanut allergies. And most of them were in my son’s pre-school. A well known local movie theater chain had to stop popping popcorn in peanut oil due to mass peanut hysteria. The result, a significantly less delicious popcorn. For 1% of the population. Come get me peanut gestapo, I won’t allow you to ban peanuts from all public places. Meanwhile, for 99% of the U.S. population, PEANUTS ARE NOT MORE DANGEROUS THAN CHICKEN MCNUGGETS!!!

3. Ackee

Watch out for the wacky ackee in Jamaica!

Apparently ackee is the national fruit of Jamaica. This truly is dangerous, as I had several friends who went to Jamaica during college to partake in a national Jamaican delight. For those who are traveling to Jamaica to mellow out on any Jamaican specialties, let Epic Portions tell you that ackee contains black seeds that are dangerous to consume. Come to think of it, my friends kept saying they had to remove the seeds before partaking in their Jamaican delicacy of choice, maybe they knew about this in advance.

2. Fugu

Mmmmm...fan-fugu-tastic!

Thanks to the wacky adventures of Homer Simpson, I was well aware of the danger of Fugu, especially if the only chef qualified to prepare it is engaged in coital delights with Mrs. Krabappel in the backseat of a car (talk about dangerous activities!). If improperly prepared, fugu can be deadly, so it is fortunate that to legally prepare fugu (a Japanese delicacy) one must have two to three years of training. The Japanese consume 10,000 tons of fugu every year, with minimal incident. Sounds real deadly, huh?

1. Hot Dogs

No argument from me that a lot of hot dogs contain mystery parts and are not fit to be consumed by man or beast. But that is not why Time is saying they are deadly (if that were the case than they would HAVE to include Chicken McNuggets). No, Time tells us of the awesome choking power of the hot dog, especially to children. If you have kids and don’t know better than to cut the hot dog into bite size pieces before serving it to them, than I leave you with the wisdom of George Carlin. The late, great comic said: “Whatever happened to Darwin, survival of the fittest. The kid who swallows too many marbles doesn’t grow up to have kids of his own.” Or in this case, the parent who doesn’t cut up his kid’s hot dog properly regains their eligibility for a Darwin Award.

Whew, that was tiring and has left me famished. I think I’ll have a Tuna Dog with a spinach salad with wild mushrooms and cassava, with a peanut-rhubarb buckle for dessert. And yes please on the after dinner coffee.

Blackberry-Balsamic & Kiwi Tart

Baking

A little over a year ago, I discovered the berry-balsamic combination in all its greatness. I had just bought an ice cream maker, and since all the flavors in the little book seemed boring, I struck out on my own with strawberry-balsamic ice cream. I burned the hell out of the first batch of balsamic reduction, and I thought my roomies would never forgive me for the smell, but it ended up being so delicious that I never looked back.

After last week’s very-rich-and-creamy chocolate cake, the masses were begging for fruit, and I decided a tart would do the trick. I really like the look of blackberries and kiwis, but any berry would do for this recipe. (Except maybe blueberries. Someone try that and let me know how it goes?) I don’t use shortening if I can help it, so the all-butter crust is courtesy of Paula Deen. The rest is generally my own.

(Side note: DO NOT try and make pie crust with cake flour. Even if it’s all you have and you really don’t want to run to the store again. It is going to turn into a disgusting, gelatinous goo. Trust me on this one.)

Blackberry-Balsamic & Kiwi Tart

Crust:
1 cup confectioner’s sugar
3 cups all purpose flour
3 sticks unsalted butter

Combine everything until it forms a doughy ball. (Miss Deen uses a food processor, others use a stand mixer. I own neither so used a hand mixer and it worked fine.) Grease a 9×11″ glass baking dish with butter, and pre-heat your oven to 350F. Roll dough on a floured surface until it is pie-crust thin and roughly the same shape as your baking dish. Place crust in baking dish, press the corners in and the sides up, and bake for 10-15 minutes or so until it’s flaky and slightly brown and generally done. Cool on a baking rack.

Blackberry-balsamic egg custard:
6 egg yolks, cool
1/2 cup white sugar
1/4 cup flour (I DID use cake flour here, and it was fine.)
4 tablespoons cornstarch
2.5 cups milk, cream, etc (I use about half heavy cream and about half whole milk, and it is yummy.)
3 tspn vanilla extract

18 oz whole fresh blackberries
1/2 cup white sugar (can be adjusted to suit your berries; I was way out of season and they were TART)
2-ish tablespoons tapioca granules
1/4 cup balsamic vinegar

In a metal bowl, mix the egg yolks, 1/2 cup sugar, flour and cornstarch together until it forms a smooth, light yellow paste. Meanwhile, cook milk and vanilla extract on medium heat until JUST boiling. Remove from heat and add half to egg mixture in bowl, WHISKING CONSTANTLY to prevent sticking (it helps if you have three hands about now.)  Add the new mixture in the bowl back into the hot milk pot and keep on whisking. Return to medium heat and bring back JUST to a boil, and cook for about a minute more until it thickens and becomes hard to stir. Find that magic moment when it is as thick as you can get it without being burnt. Remove from heat, transfer to a clean bowl, and immediately cover and chill.

In a clean saucepan, put the blackberries, remaining sugar, and balsamic vinegar onto medium heat. Mash it a bit with a potato masher to smush up the berries. Gradually add up to 2 tblsn of tapioca to thicken, stirring well. Stir it well throughout, actually, and watch it closely, becuase burnt balsamic vinegar smells really vile. When it reaches a runny-but-jammy sort of consistency, remove from heat. Grab your chilling custard, add the blackberry compote, and beat with an electric mixer until well combined. Re-cover and put back in the fridge to chill completely through before assembling.

To assemble:
6 oz blackberries and 6 kiwis, give or take.

Slice kiwis into thin round slices, place on a plate, and stick in the freezer to chill. Wash the blackberries and stick them in the freezer, too.  When you’re almost ready to serve the tart, spoon the blackberry custard – completely chilled – into the cooled crust, and artfully place the chilled fruit on top. Devour.

Enjoy!

Los Amigos – Ypsilanti, MI

Food Reviews, Uncategorized, Ypsilanti

I’m back with yet another report on an authentic Mexican joint in the Ann Arbor/Ypsilanti area.  If you know me well, then you know La Fuente is my favorite place in the entire world.  Well, that may be an exaggeration but it’s certainly up there.  Not only do they have the best chips and salsa guy in the entire world, but the best Mexican food in the area as well.  My buddy Tommy has been arguing with me for some time, and trying to say that Los Amigos kills La Fuente.  After my first trip, I completely disagreed with him.  I wasn’t impressed at all.  After a few months and multiple people telling me that Los Amigos has the best Mexican food in the area, I decided I didn’t have an open mind during my previous visit and it was time to give them another shot.  Not that I was going to be unfaithful to my beautiful La Fuente.  I’m what you could call a Mexican restaurant polygamist.  It’s OK to have more than one favorite.

Los Amigos is a bit of a cruise down Michigan Ave into the middle of nowhere, but nothing ridiculous.  It’s actually right past Gabriel’s Hoagies which almost lured me in and ruined Los Amigo’s second chance.  They’re housed in a building that’s a little intimidating looking, but once you step inside you find yourself in a very friendly, clean atmosphere.  The bar is right by the front door which is housed in a medium sized dining area where the smoking takes place.  I got there at about 4:30 PM on a Tuesday and the bar was completely packed.  More on this later.  As you walk to the back section of the restaurant, you enter a very nice and should I say festive(?) dining room.  I was surprised to see the area completely empty at this time, but that would change later.

Chips and salsa guy got chips and salsa down before I could even take a picture. Impressive.

After we sat down, about 5 seconds had elapsed before the chips and salsa were on the table.  Los Amigos chips and salsa guy definitely has talent, but just isn’t quite a first ballot hall of famer like La Fuente chips and salsa guy.  I don’t mean to take away from a very impressive effort, he’s just the early 90’s Buffalo Bills of chips and salsa guys.  No shame in that.

The chips and salsa at this place are quite good.  The chips are warm and obviously made in house, while the salsa is smooth, full of flavor and completely fresh tasting.  I’m not a huge fan of chunky salsa so this was perfect.  It looks a little like a picante sauce at first, but once you dive in there’s a few chunks of tomato, onion and other goodies.

I had heard rumors of drink specials that could make a grown man cry, so I asked the waitress what the current special was on margaritas.  The answer I got?  Half off all alcohol.  Yes my friends, half off all alcoholic beverages.  What she means by that is you take the price you would normally pay for what you’re drinking, divide it by two, and that’s what you’re actually paying.  So for every two drinks you have, you’re really paying for one full priced drink.  I know this doesn’t require that much explanation, but it sure is fun to explain how half off all alcohol works.

Naturally, I ordered a large margarita pitcher on the rocks which cost me $8.50.  Happy hour is 7 days a week from 3-6pm at this place.  This explains the full to capacity bar area on a Tuesday afternoon.   Alcoholics.


This place was impressive so far.  Talented chips and salsa guy delivering tasty chips and salsa and incredible drink specials?  They couldn’t possibly screw this up, could they?

The menu at this place has a ridiculous amount of items.  Usually I use the system of finding three things I want then picking one when the waitress puts the pressure on me, but I had to ask for more time TWICE.  They have your standard Mexican categories, but so many varieties of each item.  They have 26 combos, 14 specialties, 4 different types of fajitas, 11 burritos and much more.  I ended up sticking with the burrito portion of the menu, even though the Enchiladas Poblanas were stuffed with BRRF.  Yum.


I went with the Burritos Tampiqueno, which is two burritos – one steak, one grilled chicken, topped with green salsa and served up with black beans a rice.  I was almost lured in by the Pollo Loco, but the burritos just sounded too good to pass up.  What I got was a HUGE double burrito platter with plenty of beans and rice on the side.  This was the perfect portion for me.

The burritos were smothered in the delicious green salsa and were stuffed to capacity with fillings.  The steak was perfectly cooked and very flavorful.  The burrito consisted of nothing else to mess around with the flavor, just good ol’ salsa, tortilla, and steak.  The chicken was surprisingly flavorful as well, although not as impressive as the steak.  I have to say this is one of the more impressive burrito offerings I have ever received.  The fact that it’s as simple as it is but still incredibly flavorful is a huge accomplishment in my book.  Ahh, the beauty of Mexican cuisine.

Stephanie went with the Special Dinner, which had caught my eye as well.  This Special Dinner, which is a perfect name, comes with one chalupa, one chile relleno, one taco, one tamale, and served with beans and rice.  I’m pretty sure she assumed that it was mini portions of each, which I did as well, because her facial expression turned to horror when the waiter brought her out two completely full plates of food.  This was like a Mexican combo for the Gods.

The special dinner turned out to be pretty so so, or to be really clever… not so special.  The enchilada was just as good as my burrito and topped with an absolutely delicious sauce.   Unfortunately, the taco was your normal every day taco, the tamale was very average, and we couldn’t even remember what the chile relleno was until we took another look at the menu.  Chile rellenos are normally one of my favorite foods in the entire world, but this one just fell a little flat to me.  Overall not an awful dish, but I would suggest wandering your eyes elsewhere.

Special Dinner part 1: Chile rellano, guac, taco

Special Dinner part 2: Tamale, enchilada, beans, and rice

Completely stuffed after finishing mine and half of Stephanie’s dinner to go along with two baskets of chips, I sat back and let my stomach stretch out a bit.  I couldn’t possibly eat any more food after what I just ate.  The portions were perfect and that was a whole lot of lime juice and tequila that I had just taken down.  Definitely couldn’t eat anything else even if I wanted to.  Nope.

Oh wait, they have Fried Ice Cream.  Yes, I ate more.

All in all, not a bad place at all.  Drinks are cheap, portions are large and fairly priced, and the food was good.  I would have to say they easily make my list of top 5 Mexican joints in the area, but no where close to #1, which is still reserved for my beautiful beautiful La Funete.  Definitely worth a try if you’re a fan of good, authentic Mexican food like myself.

If you’re going to head over there, make sure you print out one of the many coupons on their website.  Savings is always a good thing.

Los Amigos Mexican on Urbanspoon


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