I’m back.  Unfortunately, I am a bit grumpy.  I got about 47 minutes of sleep last night, and I’m pretty much running on fumes at the moment but nothing could take me away from writing what I’m about to write.  This post is pure passion.  There is nothing fake, embellished, or exaggerated about what you are about to read.

I hope whoever wrote Subway’s “$5 Dollar Foot-Long” jingle dies.  I really do.  I wouldn’t feel bad at all if I read in the paper tomorrow that he tragically passed away without being able to satisfy any of his life goals.  In fact, here are some of the ways I wish he could go:

• Chinese water torture
• Malaria
• “Total Recall” Mars death
• Samuel L. Jackson “Deep Blue Sea” shark death
• Guillotine
• Catapult into a brick wall
• MMA regulated match with Anderson Silva

So I decided to set out on a journey to find whoever was responsible for making me miserable several times a week.  I needed to be able to direct my hatred at a face.  I needed to be able to picture the person responsible for the song every time I heard it and be able to say “I’m going to get that gray haired, green eyed, big nosed son of a bitch one of these days”.  I hoped for the best.  May God be with me.

The Journey

The beginning of my journey was a hard one.  How exactly does one track down The Prince of Pandemonium? I began on Google.   I’m not sure how to find anything anywhere else and I’m sure as hell not going to find anything at the library, so this was an obvious starting point.  I came across an article entitled Q&A: Subway’s $5 Foot-long Jingle Creator.  Had I found it this easily?  Was I one click away from completing my mission?

The Click

The page begun with a definition of “Jingle”.   A “good” jingle is maddeningly inescapable, and therein lies the paradox.  I believe the key word in that definition must be maddening, as in the $5 dollar foot-long jingle is MADDENING.  I read on….  And then I saw it….

His name is Jimmy Harned.

Mefistofeles himself works for Tonefarmer, an NYC-based music and sound design firm whose clients include everyone from ESPN to Geico (and of course Subway).

I kept reading and found this doozy of a quote:

“We didn’t want any blabbing.  It was just, let’s see how many times we can say ‘five dollar foot-long.’  Let’s mention it as many times as possible without making someone hurt us. We wanted to make sure no one would miss the message.”

I can honestly say that while he has created one of the most memorable jingles of all time, he has failed miserably.  Sure, he has most likely made hundreds of thousands of dollars if not a million but I badly want to hurt him.  I want terrible things to happen to him.  I want him to feel similar pain that he has inflicted upon me.  The next quote made me want to injure him even worse:

“Five dollar foot-long took about 4 hours to write, sing, play, and mix. I sang the lead and played all the instruments, and the other Farmers sang the backing parts.”

That’s right, Jimmy “Damien Lucifer” Harned wrote, sang, played, mixed, whatever.. he was 100% responsible for the jingle.  He can’t even deflect blame on anyone else.  He can’t claim that his version was far less annoying but one George Hastings made it into what it is today.

And if you don’t already want revenge on this guy, just listen to the following quote where he breaks down the structure of the jingle.  If this don’t enrage you, I feel as though you have anger issues.  Not me.

“The chord structure does imply something dark,” he agreed, getting out his guitar to demonstrate over the phone. “On the word long, [the guitar part] goes down from a C to an A-flat,” he said, strumming, “which is kind of a weird place. It’s definitely not a poppy, happy place. It’s more of a metaly place. But at the same time, the singing stays almost saccharine.” (The vocals shift to form an F minor over the guitar’s A-flat.)

That’s right.  The Subway jingle song is in a more “metaly” place.  That’s the first time I’ve ever heard the word “metaly” used before and I’m so glad it was one Jimmy “Beelzebub” Harned that used it.

We now have  a name, a company, a place of residence, and even more motivation.  Revenge is going to be so sweet.

The Face

Things were going so well.  Would I be able to find The Author of Evil’s picture?  I started at Google Images, because where the hell else would you find anything like that?  Thank god for technology.

All of a sudden, there he was.  The Angel of the Bottomless Pit.  Old Gooseberry.  The Tempter.  The Wicked One..

My work here is done.  The Hooven Cloof has been exposed.

Please keep in mind that I do not want to kill one Jimmy Harned nor would I ever consider it.  If you take this seriously, I apologize.  But seriously.. get a sense of humor.

Oh, and don’t sue me.

You may have noticed a lack of updates on here.  Well, hopefully you did because that means you actually read this thing on a regular basis.  I have been crazy shit busy (that means really really busy) with all sorts of things that aren’t nearly as fun as eating food, taking pictures, and writing about it.  Oh that, and I tried to eat a 30″ meat lovers pizza and was wasted on pizza for the last few days or so.  But never fear!  I will begin writing on a regular basis soon!  I am not slacking!

Until then, may Bobby Flay come to your house and challenge you to a showdown against your most important family recipe and destroy it with chipolte peppers and mango relish.  Just kidding, I really hope that doesn’t happen.

Oh, and also.. follow us on Twitter.  I finally figured out how to use “Tweet” or whatever and link it up to my Blackberry, so onward we go.  If you enjoy reading this site, you will surely enjoy our Twitter updates!